A friend passed this along the other day. It hurts my brain. I do appreciate one of the comments on the page saying that you should watch this – then watch Donnie Darko.

The 10th Dimension

I got some great advice/perspective from a wise member of the Offsprung community yesterday. In response to a thread there on African-American Infant Adoption and the challenges it can present she offered this:

Hi Dave, When D was only living with us for 2 weeks, a friend visited who was majoring in multi-cultural studies with a focus in African American culture. One of the things she explained to me is that we will touch everyone’s life that sees us. It is obvious that we have adopted a black child as a white family. Whether they say anything or not, it makes people think. It forces them to take a small (or not so small) look at their own feelings and prejudices. Every negative comment we have received has been out of naivete. I never felt that anyone meant anything maliciously. The worst comment we got was “I thought you got to chooseâ€?. This was from our neighbor who saw him for the first time. I assume she was referring to his race and his age (she thought we should get a baby). I just looked at her with a smile and said “We did!â€?. I am surprised at the “their kindâ€? and “you know how they can beâ€? and other unaware prejudice comments we get. Most of them from family. I just let it all go. The way I see it, nothing malicious is meant and it is their way of processing. I can tell, because the people who are saying these things have been changing their tune since the beginning. It also is an opportunity for us to talk about all of it. I feel like if I get defensive and pissy, I will close doors to resolve the issues. That is not to say that I am not fuming inside! When someone says something factually incorrect I find the stats that prove otherwise and gently correct them. I recently heard that “they are 10% of the population causing 50% of the crimeâ€?. In context, we were talking about how to bridge the gap as far as socio-economic status between the two races. Again, It was not said maliciously at all. They were EXTREMELY misinformed. I got the stats from the DOJ website and we talked about it. The way I see it, this is a growing process for everyone. I was surprised to see my own fears and prejudices come out. I had no idea they were there. I never understood what “white privilegeâ€? was. Now I see it everywhere. I am so glad we have done it. For one thing we have D. He is fantastic. I love him to pieces. I really look forward to adopting more kids. I hope to have a rainbow of kids someday. ~Laura

I love the part about how we will be touching everyone’s life that sees us and it really forces people ask questions of themselves in regard to race and ethnicity. I think that’s a very healthy perspective to take.

We attended a workshop at WACAP over the weekend on open adoptions that was intended to start the conversation with perspective parents about the good and the bad of keeping in touch with birth parents. A very minimal level of openness is required in our program which states you must commit to sending a letter and photos once a year. That said, some families choose to maintain a very open relationship with yearly (or more) visits – even traveling across the country to make them happen.Obviously Kerri and I have thought about this a lot and we both have mixed feelings. There are those CNN Headline News stories that dissuade you from the any possibility of contact with birth parents – “Mother hitchhikes across country to reclaim adopted infant in bloody massacre of adoptive parents and their pets…â€? – but these are a rarity in reality. We are becoming more and more open to the idea of some sort of contact with the birth parents for the sake of the child. When we first began to consider it, I was more of the opinion that if we were going to take responsibility for parenting this child and, conversely, the birth parents were going to give up the responsibility of parenting this child, then all bets were off. The error of this view is that it’s entirely parent-centric and devoid of the child’s perspective.I’m coming around to the idea of maintaining contact because I’m beginning to realize the importance of biological heritage, particularly in our situation where a black child we be raised in our overwhelmingly white personal world. There may be a lot that a connection to a birth parent has to offer our kiddo – “why do those white people do those goofy things all the time?â€?The financial side of this is tough. We’re taking on a lot by raising the child and to shoulder the additional burdens an open adoption can bring (like flights to the East coast for visits) is a lot to ask. Like anything else in this whole process the answer really is just “it dependsâ€? which I’m learning to become more comfortable with, slowly.

Since we completed our final paperwork for the adoption last week, we have officially entered the “waiting zone” in which the goal is to _not_ jump every time the phone rings. We may be playing this game for a LONG time to come. It’s a weird mix of trying to prepare and “nest” while not getting too ready. It’s all part of the uncertainty of adoption I suppose.