Ikea Ad - Short Bedtime Stories

Excerpted from an email I recently sent to our clients:

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EXECUTIVE SUMMARY:
1) Three-month long relationship with birth mother in Florida ends in failed adoption and fraud. MySpace.com to receive most of the blame/credit.
2) David and Kerri both equally crushed.
3) Day takes rapid turn for the better with two-hour case review and adoption placement for 5-day old white/Puerto Rican boy
4) Dave will be out of the office through Wednesday, September 27. -
5) For client related matters, please contact Peter Kappus in my absence.

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THE BAD PART:
As many of you know, Kerri and I have been waiting for an adoption placement for a little over a year now. About three months ago we received a referral for a little girl that was to be born in late-August or early September to a mother in Florida. We met with the mother over a video conference and she sent us several packages of family photos and some very nice thoughtful letters she’s written to us. We named the girl together, Elizabeth (Ellie) and felt that we were very lucky to have made this connection.

We were all quite excited, though we’d been trained to be cautious about the adoption process as about 25% of the cases end up with the birth mother changing her mind after she gives birth. Several weeks ago, our natural curiosity lead us to looking up the birth mother on MySpace.com (we knew her first name and the city she lived in, plus she’d given us photos of herself). What we discovered appeared to be a very different story that what she’d told the agency and us. She didn’t mention the adoption at all, on the contrary, she was telling all her friend how excited she was to be a mom. She also referenced a different man as the father than what she’d told the agency. Kerri and I were quite alarmed and contacted the agency. They timidly felt it out with her, taking care to not alarm her or cause her to think we were stalking her or something. The agency came back to us and assured us that everything looked on the level.

On Tuesday the birth mother posted a comment to her myspace page that she was starting to have contractions. We began to prepare to travel and were feeling very excited. Wednesday morning she posted a comment on her myspace page that she’d given birth to a healthy baby girl and was very happy. No mention of the adoption, no mention of us. We held tight for several hours thinking that perhaps she just wanted a little extra time with the baby before giving her up–then she’d contact the agency and they’d contact us. Around 11 AM we contacted the agency in Florida and pointed them to the MySpace page, asking, “What’s going on?!” The agency said they had not heard from her at all and that they would contact their main office in Miami to get some assistance. The two longest, most painful hours of our life later, around 1 PM, the agency called back to say that the birth mother had disconnected her phone number and instructed the birthing clinic she’d been at to not call the adoption agency.

She had vanished. With the girl. It appears at this point that her MySpace.com version of the story was the true one and that the adoption plan was premeditated in order to cover her living expenses and medical bills which we’d paid through and escrow account over the last three months.

Kerri and I have been devastated by the last 48 hours. We are both really struggling to come to terms with the fact that people can be so evil. And, even worse, that a little girl will now grow up in an environment where things like this are tolerated. She’s the real loser here and we wish dearly that there was something we could do. But there isn’t.

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THE GOOD PART:
So, after breaking the news to us, the agency said that about 30 minutes prior to this another child who’d already been born but placed into adoption right after birth was available. Kerri and I were told that we could take a little time (a couple of hours) to think it over, but if we wanted to adopt the child, he was ours. Otherwise, they had other families they were planning on contacting. We spent to second longest two-hour period of our life trying to sort out the horrific morning and the potential of the afternoon.

So, cutting to the chase, tomorrow at 11 AM we’ll be boarding a plane to Orlando, Florida to adopt a 5-day old boy who’s half-caucasion and half Puerto Rican. We haven’t even had time to talk about names, but we’ll be letting everyone know as soon as we have one picked out. I’ve included a picture of him here.

We’ve spent the last year or so preparing ourselves and our family for having an African American child and we do feel a certain degree of loss in that we won’t have that dimension to our family for the time being, but we do feel very fortunate that we’ll be able to give our son a good home and a safe place to grow up. Chloe’s about a week behind in processing all of this, though, she did dive right in to offer up some names, Sssse, Eeeei, and Thomas (she was opposed to keeping “The Train” as a middle name, fortunately).

We’ve officially hit the “expect the phone call any day now” mark and I can sense we’re in the calm before the storm. There’s also this sense that something really great could happen-or something really, really devastating. It’s hard to consider one without considering the other, so Kerri and I are just left with a feeling of numbness which is a sucky way to prepare for your baby.

So, you know that scene in “The Price is Right” where someone wins a brand new Ford Festiva and they go bonkers? Well…Chloe’s 4th Birthday Party from david conrad on Vimeo.

2/1/08

Chloe: Maybe if we have a boy baby we should name him Eny.
Kerri: Eny? Where did you hear that name?
Chloe: I just made it up. Isn’t it nice? I’m sure daddy will want our baby to be named Eny. I really hope we get twins.
Kerri: Twins would be a lot of work.
Chloe: Yeah. And we only have one crib. That’s a problem.
Kerri: And we would need two car seats.
Chloe: Maybe when we go out the dogs can baby sit them.
Kerri: That’s not how it works, the baby is going to stay with us all the time.
Chloe: I know, we can get another car seat from Target. I solved the problem! Lets get twins okay?

2/2/08

Things Chloe Loves…
Pancakes
Cupcakes
Chocolate cake
Cookies
Candy
Ice cream
The color pink

2/12/08

Chloe and Ava fight over whose turn it is to put an imaginary CD into an imaginary CD player. I end up having to take “it” away.

2/13/08

Kerri: So are you guys going to be good and work out all your problems
Chloe: Yes, if there is a problem I’ll say, “Me first and then you.”

2/18/08

Chloe: Hey mom, that neighbor of ours is looking a lot older.
Kerri: Yes, I think so too.
Chloe: Maybe she had a lot of birthdays. Like everyday, day after day after day.

2/19/08

Chloe: That lady and her girl are African American.
Ginny: Yes, they are.
Chloe: And Ava is a little African American too.
Ginny: No, Ava is Asian.
Ava: Yes, I’m Asian.
Chloe: And you’re a little bit African American.
Ginny: Well, no.
Chloe: Well, just a little bit?

2/22/08

Chloe talking to random Grandma at park with her Granddaughter…
Chloe: Excuse me. My Grandmas and my Grandpas are going to come to my birthday.
Random Grandma makes no comment.
Chloe: I just asked them when we went to Colorado and they said yes.
Random Grandma makes no comment.
Chloe: Isn’t that exciting?
Still no comment from Random Grandma.
Chloe: It is. It is exciting.
Pause
Chloe: My aunt Kimbo can’t come to my birthday. She’s going to Hawaii. I think she will mail me a present.

3/11/08

Kerri: Uh oh.
Chloe: What?
Kerri: Oh, the alarm is going off, it’s time to wake up.
Chloe: The alarm? Oh no, call 911!

3/15/08

Chloe trying on hand me down shoes that are too big
Chloe: Let’s see if they fit.
Kerri: Not quite, they are still a bit big.
Chloe: I’ll be right back.
Chloe returning: Now lets see if they fit.
Kerri: They are just a little too big.
Chloe: I’ll go eat another cheese puff and then measure again.
Kerri: Honey, food gives you energy and helps keep your body healthy but it’s not going to help you grow that fast.
Chloe: I’ll be right back, I’m going to go eat another cheese puff!

3/17/08

Kerri: Why are you chewing on your feet? Do we need to cut your toenails?
Chloe: No, I can bite them off, I’m really strong like that.

3/26/08

Chloe: Please! Please! Please Mama. I really want to! If a daughter wants something then the mama should do it. That’s the rule. You should say, ‘Absolutely!’ Mama.

4/5/08

Chloe: I’m not going to ever get married.
Me: Really, why not?
Chloe: I was thinking I’ll just stay here and live with you guys when I’m a grown up.

Chloe took a late nap today and we’d made plans to go to a small local circus tonight after she woke up from her nap. It was nearly time to leave and she was still sleeping and, knowing how much she wanted to go, Kerri and I decided to try and roust her out of bed, somehow failing to remember the adage about “never wake a sleeping baby.” Eventually she got up and dressed and all that she had to do was go potty before we could leave. She’s been on-again-off-again with the potty training and we’ve started to use events as an excuse to mandate some potty time. For the most part this works. Except tonight.

I’m not sure if it was the sleepiness or the sincere lack of a need, or just stubborness, but she was _not_ down to use the toilet and commenced a twenty-minute long cry-a-thon in protest. In the end I told her that she could make the decision to use the potty that minute, or we would not be able to go to the circus because it would be too late. She wouldn’t budge, but it wasn’t until about 30 minutes later that she realized what had happened and was utterly crushed. I felt so damn stupid keeping her home over something like that – who am I to tell her when she needs to relieve her bladder? It’s her bladder after all. But, we’re getting into some deeper waters now as Chloe is getting older and beginning to understand the fine art of resistance and manipulation and so we have to begin to draw some lines that feel pretty damn arbitrary, to be honest, just to establish some boundaries and initiate that idea of “what mom and dad says goes.”

I hate having to do that to her. She’s the sweetest thing in the world and to have to act against her in ways, even if it’s for her own good, just kills me. Anyway, Chloe – I’m sorry we missed the circus tonight.

There’s a great piece in the NYT Opinion blog, Relative Choices, titled “Being Adopted, and Being Me.” Adam Wolfington is a 16-year-old black man who was adopted by a white family. From his account it’s an incredible loving family who has done a lot of things right in terms of supporting him in his interests and vigorously deffending his role as their child. One account he gives that I found to be great was,

When people ask if she is my “real mother,� she asks, “What do I look like, a hologram?�

Another one:

So Mom and I sat down and I told her the ten worst things people said to me. She wrote them down. Then I made up answers that were funny but not mean. (Mom’s rule is to never make someone feel bad just to get back at them.) Mom wrote these down too. I then memorized the list. Next time it happened I was ready. It felt great! I wasn’t so scared, or hurt (as much), or embarrassed by those questions again.

It’s great to read a success story like this as we go through our adoption process. With so much that can go wrong, it’s nice to hear about something going right.

The Puzzle Problem, originally uploaded by mdconrad.

This photo was not staged. It’s official – Chloe LOVES puzzles.

We’re at this really weird/hard point in our adoption process where our profile is complete and we’re just waiting for a referral. When a case comes up that is just slightly out of our pre-defined risk tolerance the agency contacts us to find out if the case might be something we’d consider. We have had about four or five such cases in the last month and a few of them have been straight-forward “no thanks” scenarios, but many of them are not so simple. They are cases where, for example, there’s a one or two percent change that the baby could contract HIV from his or her infected mother. Now, one or two percent probability is hardly worth thinking about, but man, if we did end up there we’d be pretty devastated. In another less dramatic case the health risks with the child were pretty minimal but the baby was white, not African-American. Our decision there is certainly worthy of a longer post soon, but in the end we felt like we’d prepared ourselves for a bi-racial family and that was where our heart was at.

In each of these cases we are making decisions based on our needs and desires individuals and as a family. We try to consider the child’s situation - Would we be good for them? Could we give them a loving home and lot of opportunities? In nearly every case the answer is yes, but we’ve continued to pass on the cases. It’s so tough to think that this is a chance for us to make a difference for someone that will impact their life. It will also impact our life and that’s been the basis for our decisions so far. When time finally comes for the right case for us I hope it will be an easier decision - one that we can both look at each other and say “yes” enthusiastically. Until then, we continue to look at real-life cases of heartbreak and human struggle and choose to not make a difference. These are all painful decisions for us but they are also a valuable part of the process.

I got some great advice/perspective from a wise member of the Offsprung community yesterday. In response to a thread there on African-American Infant Adoption and the challenges it can present she offered this:

Hi Dave, When D was only living with us for 2 weeks, a friend visited who was majoring in multi-cultural studies with a focus in African American culture. One of the things she explained to me is that we will touch everyone’s life that sees us. It is obvious that we have adopted a black child as a white family. Whether they say anything or not, it makes people think. It forces them to take a small (or not so small) look at their own feelings and prejudices. Every negative comment we have received has been out of naivete. I never felt that anyone meant anything maliciously. The worst comment we got was “I thought you got to chooseâ€?. This was from our neighbor who saw him for the first time. I assume she was referring to his race and his age (she thought we should get a baby). I just looked at her with a smile and said “We did!â€?. I am surprised at the “their kindâ€? and “you know how they can beâ€? and other unaware prejudice comments we get. Most of them from family. I just let it all go. The way I see it, nothing malicious is meant and it is their way of processing. I can tell, because the people who are saying these things have been changing their tune since the beginning. It also is an opportunity for us to talk about all of it. I feel like if I get defensive and pissy, I will close doors to resolve the issues. That is not to say that I am not fuming inside! When someone says something factually incorrect I find the stats that prove otherwise and gently correct them. I recently heard that “they are 10% of the population causing 50% of the crimeâ€?. In context, we were talking about how to bridge the gap as far as socio-economic status between the two races. Again, It was not said maliciously at all. They were EXTREMELY misinformed. I got the stats from the DOJ website and we talked about it. The way I see it, this is a growing process for everyone. I was surprised to see my own fears and prejudices come out. I had no idea they were there. I never understood what “white privilegeâ€? was. Now I see it everywhere. I am so glad we have done it. For one thing we have D. He is fantastic. I love him to pieces. I really look forward to adopting more kids. I hope to have a rainbow of kids someday. ~Laura

I love the part about how we will be touching everyone’s life that sees us and it really forces people ask questions of themselves in regard to race and ethnicity. I think that’s a very healthy perspective to take.