We’re at this really weird/hard point in our adoption process where our profile is complete and we’re just waiting for a referral. When a case comes up that is just slightly out of our pre-defined risk tolerance the agency contacts us to find out if the case might be something we’d consider. We have had about four or five such cases in the last month and a few of them have been straight-forward “no thanks” scenarios, but many of them are not so simple. They are cases where, for example, there’s a one or two percent change that the baby could contract HIV from his or her infected mother. Now, one or two percent probability is hardly worth thinking about, but man, if we did end up there we’d be pretty devastated. In another less dramatic case the health risks with the child were pretty minimal but the baby was white, not African-American. Our decision there is certainly worthy of a longer post soon, but in the end we felt like we’d prepared ourselves for a bi-racial family and that was where our heart was at.

In each of these cases we are making decisions based on our needs and desires individuals and as a family. We try to consider the child’s situation - Would we be good for them? Could we give them a loving home and lot of opportunities? In nearly every case the answer is yes, but we’ve continued to pass on the cases. It’s so tough to think that this is a chance for us to make a difference for someone that will impact their life. It will also impact our life and that’s been the basis for our decisions so far. When time finally comes for the right case for us I hope it will be an easier decision - one that we can both look at each other and say “yes” enthusiastically. Until then, we continue to look at real-life cases of heartbreak and human struggle and choose to not make a difference. These are all painful decisions for us but they are also a valuable part of the process.

A friend passed this along the other day. It hurts my brain. I do appreciate one of the comments on the page saying that you should watch this – then watch Donnie Darko.

The 10th Dimension

I got some great advice/perspective from a wise member of the Offsprung community yesterday. In response to a thread there on African-American Infant Adoption and the challenges it can present she offered this:

Hi Dave, When D was only living with us for 2 weeks, a friend visited who was majoring in multi-cultural studies with a focus in African American culture. One of the things she explained to me is that we will touch everyone’s life that sees us. It is obvious that we have adopted a black child as a white family. Whether they say anything or not, it makes people think. It forces them to take a small (or not so small) look at their own feelings and prejudices. Every negative comment we have received has been out of naivete. I never felt that anyone meant anything maliciously. The worst comment we got was “I thought you got to chooseâ€?. This was from our neighbor who saw him for the first time. I assume she was referring to his race and his age (she thought we should get a baby). I just looked at her with a smile and said “We did!â€?. I am surprised at the “their kindâ€? and “you know how they can beâ€? and other unaware prejudice comments we get. Most of them from family. I just let it all go. The way I see it, nothing malicious is meant and it is their way of processing. I can tell, because the people who are saying these things have been changing their tune since the beginning. It also is an opportunity for us to talk about all of it. I feel like if I get defensive and pissy, I will close doors to resolve the issues. That is not to say that I am not fuming inside! When someone says something factually incorrect I find the stats that prove otherwise and gently correct them. I recently heard that “they are 10% of the population causing 50% of the crimeâ€?. In context, we were talking about how to bridge the gap as far as socio-economic status between the two races. Again, It was not said maliciously at all. They were EXTREMELY misinformed. I got the stats from the DOJ website and we talked about it. The way I see it, this is a growing process for everyone. I was surprised to see my own fears and prejudices come out. I had no idea they were there. I never understood what “white privilegeâ€? was. Now I see it everywhere. I am so glad we have done it. For one thing we have D. He is fantastic. I love him to pieces. I really look forward to adopting more kids. I hope to have a rainbow of kids someday. ~Laura

I love the part about how we will be touching everyone’s life that sees us and it really forces people ask questions of themselves in regard to race and ethnicity. I think that’s a very healthy perspective to take.

We attended a workshop at WACAP over the weekend on open adoptions that was intended to start the conversation with perspective parents about the good and the bad of keeping in touch with birth parents. A very minimal level of openness is required in our program which states you must commit to sending a letter and photos once a year. That said, some families choose to maintain a very open relationship with yearly (or more) visits – even traveling across the country to make them happen.Obviously Kerri and I have thought about this a lot and we both have mixed feelings. There are those CNN Headline News stories that dissuade you from the any possibility of contact with birth parents – “Mother hitchhikes across country to reclaim adopted infant in bloody massacre of adoptive parents and their pets…â€? – but these are a rarity in reality. We are becoming more and more open to the idea of some sort of contact with the birth parents for the sake of the child. When we first began to consider it, I was more of the opinion that if we were going to take responsibility for parenting this child and, conversely, the birth parents were going to give up the responsibility of parenting this child, then all bets were off. The error of this view is that it’s entirely parent-centric and devoid of the child’s perspective.I’m coming around to the idea of maintaining contact because I’m beginning to realize the importance of biological heritage, particularly in our situation where a black child we be raised in our overwhelmingly white personal world. There may be a lot that a connection to a birth parent has to offer our kiddo – “why do those white people do those goofy things all the time?â€?The financial side of this is tough. We’re taking on a lot by raising the child and to shoulder the additional burdens an open adoption can bring (like flights to the East coast for visits) is a lot to ask. Like anything else in this whole process the answer really is just “it dependsâ€? which I’m learning to become more comfortable with, slowly.

Since we completed our final paperwork for the adoption last week, we have officially entered the “waiting zone” in which the goal is to _not_ jump every time the phone rings. We may be playing this game for a LONG time to come. It’s a weird mix of trying to prepare and “nest” while not getting too ready. It’s all part of the uncertainty of adoption I suppose.

The Good:Several weeks ago, my sunglasses, a great pair of Smiths fell out of my shirt pocket and the frame broke. I tried several times to glue things back together with no luck. My wife suggested that I take them back to REI where I’d bought them. Now, I’m a reasonable guy and I feel fairly realistic–so the thought of taking a five-year-old pair of sunglasses back to the store where I’d bought them, without a receipt, and requesting a refund for the full-price I’d originally paid after I had effectively broken them do to my own carelessness, seemed, well, absurd. But she persisted, just give it a try…Well, I obliged and took a trip to REI this Sunday. Now, when I die, and come back to life, my second-coming-career will undoubtedly be the returns clerk at REI. This is a person who’s job it is to essentially make everyone he or she encounters very, very happy. The line was huge, full of people with shirts that didn’t fit, flash-lights that were broken out of the box, and then me, with my five-year-old broken sunglasses. Did I mention that I’d broken them due to my own carelessness?! Well, the answer was an unequivocal yes. Fortunately I’d used my REI membership number when buying them so there was record of the purchase, and they did charge an 8% charge since I’d used a credit card to purchase the glasses, but there were no insinuating “So, tell me again, how they were broken?� or the even more predictable hysterical laughing followed by, “What have you been smoking? You want us to give you your money back? After five years? And your clumsiness???!!!�In any case, I walked out of REI that day with a brand new pair of sunglasses and newly found dedicate to spend as much disposable income a lazy, computer nerd should commit to spending at an outdoor recreation store.The Bad:So, shiny new glasses in tow, we took Chloe out for a bike-ride on the Burke-Gilman trail. She was very excited to ride in the bike trailer and was sound asleep back there after about 200 yards. Kerri and I rode on and after about 30 minutes stopped to take a break. There are a number of great places to rest on the Burke-Gilman and I’m not sure why we chose to stop where we did, but it seemed appropriate at the time.Our bike trailer is a two-seater and petty wide and I had pulled my bike over to the side of the trail to sort of get out of the way. We were at an intersection with a street and there were not a lot of people riding then. About half-way through my Odwalla bar (AKA “the best bar know to man-kind�) we hear this yelling. There were riders coming in either direction and it took me a second to figure out it was coming from an older woman on a road-bike headed towards us from the South. At first I thought she was yelling at the guy coming towards us from the other direction but eventually it became clear that we were the targets.She kept yelling “Clear the lane! Clear the lane!� Now. I work in Pioneer Square in downtown Seattle and our office is only one block from two different homeless shelters and a methadone clinic so I get my fair share of the crazies everyday and I don’t even think twice about it, so my first reaction was to think, “strange to see a crazy homeless lady riding a bike all the way out here in Ravenna!� As the yelling continued she began to sound more and more lucid (relatively speaking). Finally, she was bout fifteen yards from use and just getting more and more pissed. I looked at the bike trailer that contained our dear little three-year-old sleeping silently and thought that its parking place was quite reasonable. In reality, it was probably covering about half of the bike path, but, to be fair, my bike was leaned against a freaking Yield sign, the idea of which, was to let cyclist know that cars were progressing through the following intersection without much concern for bikes and that it would be wise to not pedal through without first hitting that coaster-break to make sure you weren’t about to munched by a beamer or something. Jesus.The closer she got, the louder she got, and the more insulting her language got. As she passed us she actually said (and I swear I’m not even paraphrasing) “Fucking move. I bet your drive like that too, you fucking asshole.� Then as she passed the actual trailer (you know, the one holding our dear, sweet, sleeping three-year-old daughter who is the light of our life?) she continued, “Move this piece of shit.�Kerri had the fist, only, and probably best, response, which was, “are you serious?� followed by “have a nice ride.� and that was the extent of our involvement. I hear the French have term for the sense that you have when you think of a response to a situation after the situation has passed–that idea of “I should have said that!� Well, whatever that term is, I spent most of the remaining bike ride thinking not only of things I’d should have said, but ways in which I could inflicted physical damage to her without any repercussions. If Tony Soprano can get way with it, I should be able to as well, correct?Maybe she was having a bad day, her cat died, or she found out her Benz was going to need another $3500 in repairs which weren’t covered under her extended warranty. Maybe she was just a lonely old lady who’s only love was to ride her bicycle fast and wear her spandex with pride. I’m sure there are any number of reasons she could have used to rationalize referring to our bicycle trailer, the one that contained our dear, sweet, sleeping three-year-old daughter who is the light of our life as a “piece of shit.� But I can say to that crazy lady on the road bike passing us on the Burke-Gilman trail on Sunday afternoon that if I see you again, I will not be leaving thinking of all the things I should have said.  This is not the Tour De France and you need to fucking chill out. Got it?

6 Cups raw rolled oats3 Cups chopped nuts - preferably cashews and almonds1 Cup bran1 Cup wheat germ1 cup cocoanut1 Cup powdered non-fat milk1/2 Cup sunflower seeds1/2 Cup sesame seedsmix separately and add to dry mixture:1 cup safflower oil1 cup honey1 cup water3 tbsp vanillaSpread into shallow pans and bake in slow oven - 300° for 2 hours, stirring every 1/2 hr.

We completed our home study yesterday in about four hours and it was a huge relief to have it done. There are still lots of loose ends to tie up before our application can be submitted to the program, but at least we have the big piece of it done.

The process of the home study consisted on all the things you’d normally expect; an inspection of the house for safety, questions about our autobiographies to clarify where needed, etc. The thing I hadn’t counted on was how much our social worked talked about positioning our “story”. It’s an interested job I’m sure. You are tasked with both ensuring a safe home environment and making sure that adoptive parents are cut out for it, but at the same time working with them to make their dream of adoption possible.

Our social worker said she really liked to focus on a strength’s-based review—essentially the attempt to look at things that might be considered a weakness and then talk about how our dealing with them shows strength.

Anyway, the completion of the home study coupled with a record setting week for new business at the studio lead to a lot of liquid celebration last night at Veil and I feel like I’m writing this post while sitting on a cheap carnival ride. When the ride has come to a complete stop I may have more to say.

We just turned in our paperwork in preparation for our home study, which will be taking place on Friday morning. I can’t say enough about how well WACAP runs their program. The autobiographical information they request as part of the home study program is just another example.

This questionnaire, which is a LOT of work by-the-way, really gets at some significant information in an efficient way. The standard requests for “name, rank, and serial number” are addressed in other places, but on this form, some very pointed questions are posed and they force you to consider how you have become, well, you.

It’s been a fascinating process for me and really given me a sort of “snapshot” of my life at the age of 32. I’ve included a few of the many questions here, and a couple of my responses:

Regarding your parents:

How did your parents communicate with you when you were happy and excited? Distressed, discouraged or unhappy?

What did you learn from your parents/guardians about marriage and commitment? Would you say that you have generally parented (or want to parent) in ways similar to how you were raised or do you plan to do anything differently?

What were your parents’/guardians’ attitudes on education?

What values did your parents pass on to you?
Regarding your personal views:

What are your strengths? Weaknesses? Do you have patterns of behavior that you would like to change but have difficulty doing so?

How do you usually handle problems, stresses, or difficulties in the workplace and at home?

What impact do you think your childhood has had on you as an adult? Do you find yourself trying to behave or not to behave in certain ways because of what happened to you as a child?

Describe your personal goals. How do you see yourself and is there any thing you would like to change about how you see your self image? Is there anything that you would like to change in how you relate to others?

Regarding Courtship and Marriage/Partnership:

How would you describe your role within your current relationship? Give an example of your problem solving process with your partner.

Describe your partner’s strengths and weaknesses.

How has your relationship changed over the years?

How much is your marriage like your parents’ marriage? How much is your spouse like your own mother or father?

And a few of my responses…

MOTIVATION TO ADOPT:
Please describe how you came to the decision to adopt (include information regarding infertility or any other medical condition, if applicable).

Kerri and I have always talked about the idea of adoption, but with our first child, we felt a real draw to biological child-birth. Kerri was terribly sick for the entire pregnancy and spent the last trimester or so on bed rest. When we started to talk about another child a few months ago we decided we’d start trying to have a second child together, and at the same time beginning to research on adoptions. The idea was we’d let fate take its course. After week or two though, Kerri was feeling like she just didn’t want to put her body through that again and so here we are. We’re both fully vested in the process and philosophy of adoption.

PREPARATIONS FOR ADOPTING:
What issues do you feel are important to discuss with your child in regard to his/her adoption?

Clearly the issue of identity will be an important want for the rest of our child’s life. Kerri and I both want African American culture to be a part of our child’s life so we will be continually talking about how we can make that happen. Also, issues of attachment will like come into play, even though we would parenting the child from a very very early age. We will do as much as we can do to foster a sense of attachment with our family and a sense of understanding about adoption and the child’s birth family.

If you already have children in your family, how will the adoption of another child impact the other members of the family?

Chloe is an amazingly gregarious child, a real social butterfly, but we can count on some jealousy. We have begun to talk to her about adoption – it helps that her best friend is adopted from China so she has a point of reference. We will continue to talk with her and look for ways to better prepare her for the big day. Part of that will include an action plan for us that will attempt to help us keep some focus on Chloe during the time the new baby is being brought home and adjusting.

Am I missing something here? Or here?

I’d love to find a reliable resource for information about prenatal health facts, but I am not able to comprehend anything written by anyone who works for the government (why is that?) and everyone else seems to have their own agenda.

Of course, I will confess my extensive search essentially consisted of typing “Effects of Heroin during first trimester” into the search box on Google and then skimming the first page of results. But c’mon! It’s the future right? I shouldn’t even have to search for something. Where is my jet pack!!!